Finally settled Kira in bed. It's 9pm and I'm hoping to squeeze in one last feed before bed. She's been sleeping through the night for the last few weeks so it's hard to get that extra few mls down her. But I know sleep is just as important for her to grow.
It's so difficult trying to find the right balance, as well as encourage her to play and develop normally in other ways. I have to say though that I am really happy with how far she's come. Despite all her set backs and her problems, she's not far behind other babies of her ages. She's small.. incredibly small. But she is doing things that a 3 and a half month old baby should. Ie. holding her head up (almost fully on her own!), smiling, cooing and she's been copying me lately. It really gives me hope that she will get through this and she will be no different to any other baby.
It's really difficult trying to encourage such development when she has other things getting in the way. Like today, Avi and I took her to a baby massage group and it was hard having to sit there practising on a doll, while watching the other mum's with their, can I just say, HUGE babies. I mean, I guess that's the norm for babies her age but they seriously look overfed in comparison to Kira. It's really hard sometimes being stopped in the street and asked how many days old she is. And random strangers seem to think it's perfectly okay to touch her face and ask to hold her. I'm really going to have to start standing my ground on that one. I mean, I'm so afraid of offending people and upsetting people. But this is my daughter and they will just have to get over being told not to touch her. And I will just have to get over my one of many irrational fears. I guess you would call this one "fear of not being liked by every single random person in the entire world". Seriously. I hate people thinking badly of me but it's my downfall in so many ways. Days when I'm really "feeling the fear", I may as well have the words "doormat" tattooed across my forehead. But that's a whole other story.
Anyway, the reason we couldn't involve Kira today was because we aren't sure if it's safe with her heart condition. And also, because she has hip dysplacia and has to wear a brace that's meant for a four month old - a normal sized four month old. It's pretty useless like - she pulls her foot out or kicks it off. But just incase there's even the tiniest of chances it will her prevent her from needing surgery, we're giving it a try. So yeah, that pretty much rules out bending her legs about for a massage.
As I said, I'm finding it really difficult to handle right now, as well as her reflux, the horrendous poo's, and the three hours it can take to feed her - EACH and every feed. But I keep telling myself it's not forever and the love that I feel for her, that I didn't know I could feel for anything, makes it all worth while.
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